The above was what I said to my flatmate regarding the summer special of a radio show, the week before I started my exams. The presenters had finished theirs and so, rightfully, were making that week’s show a celebration of the glorious summer to come. Except I was stuck in revision, unsure of what to expect of my two exams and knowing that within a week it would all be over. The songs on the show were great but I felt like I couldn’t enjoy them because of the work I needed to do.
I should say that I have never been clinically depressed. However, once I had been told that surgery was imminently required in January 2011, I was incredibly upset and would cry myself to sleep sometimes over it. This went away in May because I was erroneously told all was well, but once September came around I was back in that fearful, low state. Looking back I coped remarkably well and the time that I spent feeling down was small. However at the time, I was almost self-diagnosing myself with depression. Because I couldn’t be fully happy with the weight of the impending operation bearing down on me.
This is where the above quote comes from. When you are going through something awful it can consume you, but some days you can also almost forget. If you have a good day you can smile and laugh, but in my experience I would get home, get into bed, and realise that despite the good things, the bad things were still on the horizon. It’s been a great day, you feel happy, you enjoyed it, but there’s an undertone of sadness as you remember the bad things and you can’t quite shift this.
I am by no means an expert on depression, but please if you do feel like this at all, do tell someone. This can be someone you know, or someone you don’t. For UK readers, Mind is a charity that helps those struggling with their mental health and their website is here: http://www.mind.org.uk/. You aren’t alone, and things will get better.
EDIT: Since I wrote this post, I found this article and I think it is very good so have a read: http://www.wifemomsuperwoman.com/2014/09/03/whatnottosaytosomeonestrugglingwithdepression/